Depression, anxiety and migraines all seem to run rampant in our family..........I never could quite understand or relate to the individuals in my family that experienced these issues. Until the summer of 2010, when I had my first full blown anxiety attack and it brought me to my knees literally. I had never experienced anything of that nature. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing and all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and cry. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me at the time. I felt out of control, worthless and ashamed that I didn't have it "all together" as I once did or at least had convinced myself of.
Looking back on it now, I can see clearly that there were 3 major events that summer that triggered the first attack. I tried to manage it myself thinking I should be able to do this.....I help others work through their issues all the time. But I quickly came to the realization that there was no "quick fix" because I had neglected myself, my well being and my emotions for so long. I put others' first - their needs, wants, requests and at times even their demands. I had (and at times still have) this inability to say "No" without feeling guilty. Where does that feeling come from and why?
I struggled with the idea of going to my family physician and admitting that I felt like I couldn't handle my life anymore. I felt like a failure and disappointment in so many ways. I was angry all the time and took that out on my loved ones and after the emotional outbursts then the guilt and sadness would hit be like a ton of bricks. How could I be so awful to another human being and especially to the ones that I cherished above all others? I finally decided that I had to go and get help before I ended up doing or saying something that I would regret for the rest of my life. And trust me, there were times I really thought if left alone I could have.......that is so hard to admit.
I met with my phsician at the beginning of August of 2010 and began sobbing uncontrollably as I tried to explain to her what I was experiencing......she immediately decided that I needed to be put on a medication to help balance out my emotions that seemed so out of sorts. I was admittedly embarrassed at first thinking WOW what are people going to think of me and will the medication desensitize me or change my personality? But I was at such a low point that I was desperate to try anything that would hopefully bring about a positive change.
The medication did help to even out my emotions but the biggest change happened when I joined my Life Group through LCBC. My life group women have provided me with something the medication could not and never would........support, comfort, love, understanding, encouragement and strength. I love each one of them because they know I am human and will make mistakes, but they are willing to help brush me off when I stumble and pick me back up. I couldn't ask for anything more........
Through them and God and my own persistence I have been off my medication for nearly 3 months now. Our God is such an amazing and faithful God and can help us through even the darkest times in our lives if we are just willing to turn him and ask for help.
Do not be anxious about anthing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Things I am learning:
- We are human and will make mistakes. No one is perfect but God.
- We must learn to ask God for forgiveness and then ACCEPT that he has given it to us.
- I am a wonderful creation of God.